Tranquil/Troubled

This past weekend, I spent a glorious hour or so wandering in the snowy woods. The snow is melting, exposing the brilliant green of the mossy rocks and the shades of rust of the various dead leaves and fallen needles. I stopped next to a massive birch and laid both of my bare hands on it, concentrating in the silence until I could feel the soft hum of life beneath its bark. I stood there for a long time, just listening through my hands, and gradually felt at peace.

If only everything else were this simple.

Our Circle is broken, and it's partly my fault. Our last Sabbat celebration was cancelled, partly because of illness, and probably partly because of disgust. I think Crone (who is in a fragile place to begin with) feels that she's doing all the work, and in a lot of ways, she's right. She doesn't hear from us until the day before we get together, and this last time, when talking to Crone the night before, I forgot that I was doing the meditation. (Although, in my defence, I write well and it was in my Palm as a reminder to do on Ostara because I do my best work when inspired by the actual timing.)

I, of course, am wracked with guilt, feeling like I've dropped the ball, and have things to atone for, and yet I refuse to apologize to an answering machine. But Crone is not returning my calls, and Maiden is, well, occupied with being a Maiden (and there's nothing wrong with being young when you're young), and things are a mess.

I honestly don't know what to do. Crawling back into my solitary closet is appealing, but not an option. These people mean too much to me -- I can't just walk away.

I think I'm going to go talk with some more trees now.